Exhausted – A Mind That Doesn’t Rest
A constant stream of emotions, ruminations, ideas, fears, running through my mind. A mind that does not seem to rest.
Lately, I have been doing more than my usual iteration of commiserating and over-analyzing life. My morning routines of working out and taking my dog for a long walk which are meant to provide calm and set a foundation for the day, do not seem to be adequate. It has been difficult to stay in the moment. I have allowed myself to veer off that course. The desire to just be, is proving much too arduous right now. I am exhausted.
So much of what I’m feeling seems based upon reactive responses to the current environment as opposed to proactive. The barrage of uncertainty in the world is proving even too much for my normally adaptive and flexible self.
I want desperately to sit in the moment and reflect, but once I feel even a slight bit of stability, a sudden slap from a news broadcast. A desperate call from my daughter. A hateful social media post. A indignant look or auditory statement on the street. A conversation with a friend that makes me contemplate the serious injustice that surround us. The continual inhumane treatment of people. A virus that knows no bounds. Leaders living a fantasy. It all seems too much to bare.
Rage Erupting
There is only so much an individual can withstand without filling with a sense of rage. I have felt a lot of rage, lately. Feelings of anger have always been with me, lurking deep within my soul. Remnants of the past. That anger sees the light of day when my subconscious decides its time to reveal it on a canvas. Or when I take it out on inanimate objects. Or those times when I verbally lash out at myself or a loved one. It is exhausting.
The rage I feel has nothing to do with bitterness. Victimhood is not my style. But it has everything to do with total exasperation. Currently, my rage is erupting, bubbling up to the surface. Manifesting itself in all kinds of ways. Weak, pessimistic? Possibly. But my wiser self prefers to view it as potential for growth despite how awful I feel inside along with the negative aura of energy I am manifesting. Exhausted.
Rage is unhealthy when it sits idle in the mind and body. The hamster wheel turns relentlessly. Resolutions seem futile. Old behaviors return with a vengeance. The rage that comes to the surface can be either met with indignation or intent. In any case, it’s reveal is necessary.
Living In It
Of course, there are things I can personally do to minimize the external and disruptive noise that envelope and render me exhausted. I could stop watching the news, avoid social media, not talk with friends, cut myself off from my daughter’s drama, lock myself in my studio and just create art.
Problem is, I know that part of being an artist, for me, is living in the world. I cannot, NOT be in it. The work I create thrives on my daily experiences and my responses. It matters not whether they are local to me or universal. I feel them and they must be expressed.
Part of my exasperation is that I know not everyone has outlets or the resources in which to express what they are going through. Many are in survival mode, functioning day to day, sometimes hour by hour. This is certainly not a new phenomenon, but it has expanded exponentially in recent months and will not dissipate anytime soon. I feel a sense of overwhelm regarding the fate of others that I have not felt before. I am exhausted.
Transitioning My Rage
Having struggled with my emotional well being for years, putting on a brave face has been my modus operandi. But if the mind is not healthy, it will manifest within the body via dis-ease, illness, aches and pains. If the body is not healthy, it will lead to behaviors that spawn depression, anxiety, compulsive tendencies. That brave face can only mask reality so long before something explodes.
Luckily, I am aware that my mind needs some tending. Because in its current overly active and compulsive state it is sending me to the brink of being totally exhausted. To the point of no longer feeling much joy in anything I do, not even creating art.
Therein lies the transition that appears to be taking place. The pause in the world has led me to face the internal rage that exhausts me and is literally forcing me to meet it face to face. I have been here numerous times before, but this time is different, more intense, more dire. My well-being is at stake.
Mind Tending
My desire to learn and do are more plentiful than ever. I have a plethora of ideas swirling in my head and can’t seem to get enough of what is available to absorb. Then a global and national crisis ascends upon us all and the pause button rings abruptly.
I have cursed this universal rest period and will continue to do so. It is partially responsible for my rage. Putting a damper on my energy, my desire to learn and do. But, I am keenly aware now of what needs tending. What I value is being readjusted..
Breath in what I want and let go of the rest. Be present. Don’t have to take it all in. What is truly desired will rise to the surface.
Image – Extricating the Psyche
“Extricating the Psyche“, acrylic on canvas was chosen for this blog post because it represents in vivid color, shapes and movement, what the energy of the psyche looks and feels like when released from within. That release can be exhausting and sometimes painful, but it is powerful and vital for growth. Michelle Lindblom Studio
Your struggles come across clearly in your writing. They can be painful to read but you write so well and from the heart that they engage me and want me to keep reading.
Paul
Paul,
We are all working through this strange time in our own unique ways. Sometimes my art is simply not literal enough for me, so I write because words seem to clarify what it is I am truly feeling. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
Michelle
Michelle— I feel your frustration about even having rage💖. I’m going to launch into an emoting concept, so you know me. The amount of rage we feel is the amount we use to keep our fears from swallowing us up whole— yet that is exactly what your emotions are telling you to do— let the fears pass through you like a toroidal lemniscate. Stop analyzing the fear and just feel it out. Feelings once felt will change. Once you allow the fears to finish their energy path then the grief that fear was trying to avoid will be able to surface— eventually if not immediately. Just get a towel instead of a hanky to catch the tears. Much love and support❣️❣️❣️❣️💖💞
Sarah,
I know that what I feel/fear is making its way out and the results are what is needed. It’s always a sigh of relief and release when I get these blogs out of my head/hands and into the vision of others. Lemniscate at its best. Thank you for your always welcome words of wisdom and your love and support. ❤️
Michelle
Exhausted yet hopeful, knowing there is always something out there that awaits us to help us shift our state of being. By taking our feelings of despair, anger and frustration and redirecting them into more positive, creative, and healthy outlets, no matter how hard, it is well worth the effort.
Susanne,
Yes, it is worth it. My blogs have been my way of releasing these feelings into the universe. I take comfort that others are willing to respond and connect with what I have to say.
Michelle
Sometimes the overwhelm of late is so extreme that it is paralyzing. That feeling that there is so much that needs to be done that there is no way it can be done. I am doing a lot of mind-tending of late. I just finished Seane Corn’s “Revolution of the Soul,” which I cannot recommend enough, and I’m shifting into studying the Enneagram and I had an amazing session with Ashley Brothers on Friday, which gave me some direction. I think this mind-tending is not only good on the individual level, but it ripples it to others. I think it’s absolutely healthy to say that things suck when they do. That mask is unsustainable and lends itself to that dis-ease you write of. I feel you. This is hard. Hugs to you always!
Tonya,
Mind-tending, yes. Thanks for your thoughtful response. You know exactly what I am talking about and your words mean a great deal. Thanks for the book suggestion. Take care.
Michelle
You know I like your work. ‘Extricating the Psyche.’ That’s what needs to be done by all of us. Getting it out and talking. Glad you write this blog. At first I loved the ‘lock-down’, making space for ‘changing it up’. I continue to see it as an opportunity to make changes and discover what is really important to me. I am reactive to the chaos in the world with anger and disgust, and proactive by walking 3 miles a day, meditating, doing my own yoga practice and breathing. When I write I shift into another world. I lost my soul-mate of 30 years, 10 weeks ago. Everything I do always has a mix of tears, and sometimes laughter, and always deep dives to get to a truth in all of this, the Covid, his death, and asking my writing to be a guide and not simply a place to spill what wants to be spilled. I feel lonely and also love being alone. I clean and reorganize. I make sure I eat my own gourmet cooking and drink decent wine. The uncertainty is just a given, not just for me in my need to perhaps move, to reinvent my life, but for everyone. And I have hope that the outcome or what gets birthed for myself and the many may be more than our mortal minds might have designed. The universe is truly in charge here, not us. That’s frustrating when we are used to having some kind of control. I find that music meets my energy and moves it through my body, whether it be Madonna, or Moby, or Middle Eastern. Consciously shifting. I feel your angst and difficulties with where we all are and I sense the need for doing art, writing, getting a new flavor to what we had been expressing before this time. I feel all the frustration of being alone, only visiting the forest and the river for my sense of ‘other’. I think everyone is in some sort of overwhelm and I too am exhausted. Love to you and I hope to one day get to see your studio.
Padma,
Your words literally gave me goosebumps. I am so sorry for your loss which is especially difficult during this pretty lonely time for many of us.
You and I are feeling the weight of the current state of our world, but also feeling the opportunities that exist. I knew I was not in control years ago when my daughter’s addiction took center stage in our lives. I have grown to accept that and actually feel more at ease than ever.
I also hope that you soon get to stop by my studio or to even to see you again at the gallery when First Friday’s start up again. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond in such a moving way. Take care of you.
Michelle